It Was A Good Day

Yesterday was a good day for Ed Miliband.

He got up and made it downstairs without any comments on his bleary eyes.  He ate a hearty breakfast, delightfully free from any pork products – to paraphrase Ice Cube, he got his grub on but didn’t pig out.  After breakfast, he hopped into his soft-top ride and travelled, without incident or ‘jackers’, to the House of Commons where television cameras rolled right past him without so much as stopping to compare him to Mr Bean.

Then, after ten days spent so much on the defensive that Harriet Harman was summoned to ‘park the bus‘, Ed got his game face on and went on the attack.  And he didn’t even have to use his AK.

Labour Leader Ed Miliband Gives His Keynote Speech At the Annual Party Conference

At PMQs, Ed and several pre-prepped minions bombarded the PM with questions about how much he knew of the alleged criminal activities of HSBC’s Swiss banking division before ennobling its former Chairman, Stephen Green, in November 2010 and appointing him as Minister of State for Trade and Investment early the following year.

Judging by the swagger with which Miliband has strutted his stuff since, the attack succeeded.  The reason is because Miliband has finally understood that – despite some of his previous claims – appearances matter in politics.

Once you dig into the detail, it’s hard to see the Government has done anything wrong.  Despite this, today’s papers are filled with woolly accusations and bang-on-the-money reports that Cameron looked ill-prepared and evasive during the assault.  And, when all this dies down, that’s the image Miliband will try to project onto the public’s consciousness.

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There are, in essence, three accusations against Cameron:

1.  That he showed poor judgment in appointing Lord Green when he knew (or ought to have known) that HSBC was suspected of illegal activity during his appointee’s watch.

2.  That the Conservatives benefitted from such activity by receiving over £5m from HSBC clients who held Swiss accounts during the relevant period of 2005-2007.

3.  That the Government gave HSBC and its clients an ‘easy ride’ in the subsequent investigation, either as some sort of unspoken quid pro quo or through ineptitude.

Based on the facts presently available, none of these accusations stands up to any serious scrutiny.

Starting with the first, HMRC received the so-called ‘Swiss disc’ – containing data on around 6,000 individuals who may have evaded UK taxes – from French tax authorities around May 2010, several months before Lord Green’s appointment.  However, until the story broke last weekend, its contents were kept secret from ministers, agencies and regulators due to various confidentiality undertakings HMRC had given to the French.

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Some will say “the Government must’ve known something was going on, even if it didn’t know the precise details“.  And that’s true.  In September 2011, David Hartnett (then head of HMRC) told a Treasury select committee that: “I think the whole nation probably knows that our department has a disc from the Swiss – from the Geneva branch of a major UK bank – with 6,000 names, all ripe for investigation.

But it’s conceivable the Government didn’t know “something” was going before Lord Green took up his new role.  More importantly, as Number 10 has been at pains to point out, it’s one thing for HMRC to investigate wealthy individuals for tax evasion; quite another for regulators to suspect a large and well-respected bank of being complicit.  Cameron maintains that the correct procedures were followed and, as things stand, there’s no obvious reason to doubt this.

Moving to the second accusation, no evidence has been disclosed linking Tory donors to any illegal conduct.  For the moment, Miliband puts his glass house at risk by hurling stones across the Commons, as Labour also received sums from HSBC clients holding Swiss accounts during the relevant period: some £500,000 in cash and gifts in kind, as well as a £2m loan.

Miliband has waved this away on the basis that the sums were handed to his party before he became leader.  But cynics would argue that Labour’s record of receiving no further sums from such sources is nothing to shout about, owing more to his deep unpopularity than any higher standards of due diligence or ethics.

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As to the third and final accusation, it’s unclear how the Government could possibly have affected the pace or outcome of HMRC’s investigations.  For all its faults, HMRC is an independent body whose main functions include the recovery of unpaid taxes in accordance with legislation and its internal rulebook.

Yesterday, Lin Homer (HMRC chief executive) pointed out to a public accounts committee that HMRC had recovered around £135m from approximately 1,100 of those named on the Swiss disc.  She also reiterated that HMRC was unable to pass on information to other regulatory bodies, such as the Financial Conduct Authority, who may have been able to take tougher action sooner.

So, where does this all leave us?  

Well, the significant policy issue to emerge from this mess is that the country needs a more effective ‘joined up’ approach to recovering unpaid taxes and bringing those responsible to book.  Cameron yesterday reminded the Commons that he’d taken significant steps down this road, but Miliband wants to go further.  And the man on the street is likely to be behind him.

But few are thinking about policy today because the stench of scandal is much more alluring.

In the weeks to come, much of the mud thrown at Cameron will wash off.  But Labour will continue to point out the bits that stick and, in the process, appear to have stumbled upon an election strategy.  Whatever Douglas Alexander’s shortcomings to date, even he’s capable of pointing his laser pen at a projector screen reading: “TOO DODGY AND TOO CHUMMY WITH BUSINESS”.

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Because Labour will shout long and loud that Cameron’s judgment is questionable.  Some are already calling Lord Green’s appointment “Andy Coulson mark II“, referring to the most damaging episode of Cameron’s reign: his decision to appoint the former News of the World editor as communications director despite reports of phone hacking at the newspaper.  The move seemed inadvisable at the time; it became disastrous when Coulson was forced to resign in January 2011 and was later found guilty of conspiracy to intercept voicemails.

Labour’s task will be to remind voters of George W. Bush’s painful butchering of an old saying in Tennessee: “Fool me once, shame on … shame on you.  Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.

The second claim we’ll hear more of is that the Tories are too close to business.  Labour’s skating on thin ice with this one, given the alleged misconduct took place when Labour was in power.  Equally, the Lib Dems will struggle to reach the moral high ground given that in 2010 Vince Cable heralded Lord Green as “One of the few to emerge with credit from the recent financial crisis, and somebody who has set out a powerful philosophy for ethical business.”

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But Labour will risk the ice because they’ve got nowhere else to go on business, after the previous ten days spent burning most of their bridges with British commerce.  The latest act of arson on civil engineering took place on Tuesday, when Cameron and Clegg gave speeches at the British Chambers of Commerce annual conference.

Rather than sending out its leader to reassure the attendees that Labour meant them no harm, Ed Balls and Chucka Umunna turned up instead.  Worse still, they had no explanation for Miliband’s absence: the best Ed Balls could muster was a contemptuous “I have absolutely no idea“.   

Back on Tuesday, this also seemed a fair summary of Labour’s election strategy.  But, by hook or by crook, the HSBC story has given Labour’s chances of success a timely shot in the arm.

And we now know where Ed Miliband was.  He was preparing for a good day.

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Wrinkled, Crinkled, Wadded Dollar Bill

As well as singing about “Wrinkled, Crinkled, Wadded Dollar Bill … Somebody“, Johnny Cash once said that “success is having to worry about every damn thing in the world, except money“.  By that token, Douglas Alexander is doing very well indeed: his worries are mounting by the day and it seems for all the world that neither he, nor his party, gives a tuppence toss about the economy.

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Let’s start with those worries.  It looked like Wee Dougie had enough on his plate with producing a strategy for getting this Labour lot into power and polishing the assorted turds required to implement his plan.  But now that plate his been topped with thick, brown, smelly gravy.

According to polling research carried out and gleefully released this week by Lord Ashcroft, Labour will join confectionary in getting battered north of the border with senior figures like Dougie losing their seats.  Ashcroft’s research, which despite its origin is broadly accepted to be accurate, suggests that Dougie will lose his Paisley and Renfrewshire South constituency with a swing to the SNP of 25 per cent.

His seat’s not looked this endangered since the Park Mains High School Great Wedgie Week of 1983.

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All of this begs two questions.  First, why did Labour choose an election strategist who’s in serious danger of losing his own seat?  It’s a bit like a 40-year-old virgin taking lessons in pulling women from … well, Douglas Alexander.

The second question is: what’s Dougie going to do about it?  Will he be given compassionate leave to head north and persuade his constituents that he’s not the drabbest thing in Paisley since my grandmother’s curtains.

This seems unlikely as, for now, he’s busier than a cucumber in a women’s prison as he tries to put out the fires his shadow cabinet colleagues are lighting like a posse of pyromaniacs.

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Earlier in the week, Dougie had to sit Ed Miliband down and explain to him why normal people don’t think “working for a government department” or “lecturing on government” count as experience “outside of politics“.  Having sorted out Number One, he then had to turn his attention to Number Two – or Ed Balls as he’s sometimes known – who dropped one of his namesakes on Tuesday night.

For those who missed it, here’s what led to the latest car crash.

1.  On Sunday, Boots’ acting chief executive, Stefano Pessina, claims that a Labour government would be a catastrophe.

2.  Miliband takes this to heart and responds by shouting: “LA LA LA CAN’T HEAR YOU.  WAIT … YOU’RE FOREIGN.  SO YOU PROBABLY DON’T PAY YOUR TAXES!  THIEF!  THIEF!  YOU MUST PAY TAXES OR YOUR VIEWS DON’T COUNT AND THE PAPERS CAN’T PRINT THEM SO THERE!  LA LA LA“.

3.  Assorted business leaders pile in to support Mr Pessina and criticise Labour’s apparent anti-business agenda.

4.  Labour sends Ed Balls onto Newsnight to limit the damage.  Yes, that’s right.  The man who David Cameron named as “the most annoying person in modern politics“.  The man who Russell Brand called a “clicky-wristed, snidey c*nt“.  The man who a fantastic Daily Mash article referred to as a “bumptious little tw*t“.  The man who remains the only person in Britain that could become Chancellor and make the current incumbent look like a national treasure.  The man who could cause wall paint in an empty room to liquify, reform on his skin and suffocate him.  That man.

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Sure enough, things didn’t go too well as Mr Balls got lost trying to locate some charm to turn on with Emily Maitlis, fresh from making ‘Dapper Laughs’ squirm like the little toad that he is.

Ms Maitlis asked Mr Balls why so few prominent business figures back Labour compared to 2005.  Balls replied that there were actually loads.  He’d just had dinner with some of them.

Maitlis saw her chance and pounced with a steely gaze and persistence not seen since Tommy DeVito gave Henry Hill the runaround in Goodfellas.

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Who?

Huh?

Who?  Name them.

Well, em.  B-Bill.

Bill f*cking who?” she pressed Balls, summoning her inner Joe Pesci and waiting for the punchline to a bad knock knock joke.

It’s gone from my head, which is a bit annoying at this time of night,” Balls grinned nervously, tossing a line he’d fed to Yvette Cooper a couple of times.  But Maitlis ain’t the sort of girl to forgive early arrival.

Ok.  So you’ve got Bill somebody.  Bill?  Is that the best you can do?  Bill?  F*cking Bill?

I’m paraphrasing slightly, but you get the gist.  It later emerged that Balls was thinking of Bill Thomas, the former Executive Vice-President of EDS EMEA.  Embarassingly, he’s also been Chair of Labour’s Small Business Taskforce since 2012.

Having overseen $12billion in annual revenue at EDS, Bill is certainly wadded but judge for yourselves whether he’s wrinkled and crinkled.

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When this week’s shenanigans are stacked alongside Miliband’s recent rhetoric about corporate “predators” and his party’s plans to create a ‘mansion tax’ and reintroduce the 50p top rate of income tax, it’s easy to see why many consider Labour in its current guise to be anti-business.

However, respected commentators, such as Philip Collins of The Times, deny this is actually the case.  They also make a decent argument that Labour has a better answer than the Tories to economic recovery: a “supply-side revolution” involving higher spending on infrastructure, a greater emphasis on science and more focus on training Britain’s workforce.

Even if this is true, Miliband’s making a ham-fisted effort at informing the voters.  His mediocre message this week led one former Labour minister, Geoffrey Robinson, to urge him to win back business quickly as he’s allowed the wrong “mood music” to play.

If Robinson’s right, and it’s the mood music preventing Labour from getting into the voter’s pants, this shouldn’t be a surprise.  It’s what happens when you take lessons in pulling from Douglas Alexander.

It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

Last week, in a post entitled A Little Less Conversation, I was dreaming of a General Election campaign in which political parties (and, as a result, the press) spend their money publicising policies not printing posters lacking the sophistication of a Tipexed bellend on a desk lid.

In an addendum the following day, mention was made of Ed Miliband’s timely and similar sentiment, with the obvious caveat that – unless the bigger boys across the Commons follow suit – he’s left looking like a turkey voting to boycott Christmas.

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Well, it’s beginning to feel a lot like Christmas.

While Ed sat by the phone waiting for the Tories to return his call, Douglas Alexander (Labour’s so-called election ‘strategist’) echoed his plea in a written message to Labour Party supporters.  Wee Dougie, who couldn’t look more like a schoolyard victim if his y-fronts were tangled round his tonsils, wrote: “The Tories have now bought up hundreds of billboard poster sites on high streets across the country for the months of March and April to run their negative personalised adverts.  It already seems clear that in their campaign the Tories intend to spread falsehood, fear and smear.”  

Coughing up mouthfuls of mucky water he’d inhaled in the midst of a prolonged bogwash, he added: “The Tories will dig deep into their donors’ pockets – and plumb new depths – in their desperation to cling on in government.”

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Now, Dougie might be right, but he faces two big problems.

The first is that his message would sound more high-minded and principled if Labour: (a) hadn’t gleefully engaged in silly bugger billboarding in the very recent past; (b) had any chance of winning a slanging match between ‘Dapper Dave’ and ‘Uncomfortable-in-his-own-skin Ed’; or (c) had the financial backing to compete in a PowerPoint pissing contest even if it wanted to.

The second problem is that whenever turkeys pick up placards proclaiming “BOYCOTT!  BOYCOTT!”, the press can’t resist decorating their reports with pictures of beautifully succulent, golden turkey crowns glistening on decadent beds of roast potatoes crisped in goose fat.  Likewise, when Dougie squeals, “I won’t do what the Tories are doing”, the newspapers print what the Tories are doing.

Take a glance at the coverage of Dougie’s message on the websites of the Daily Mail, The Telegraph, The Independent and The Guardian:

  • all four included the recent Tory poster depicting a portly Miliband bro-mancing Alex Salmond and Gerry Adams outside No. 10 before, presumably, heading for an early night while his amigos went off to tear up the town;
  • none mentioned a single policy Dougie wants everyone to focus on.  Left-leaning The Guardian even added an unattributed quote claiming his party had failed to obtain usual levels of funding due to a perceived “lack of clarity about what would be in the Labour manifesto“;
  • The Telegraph tied its article to an odd photo of Miliband cast in shadow against a sandy background, perhaps suggesting to Labour it would be kinder to withdraw their man from the limelight and send him to join the Foreign Legion.

“What’s that, Dougie?  Stop hitting you?  I’m not hitting you: you’re hitting yourself.  STOP HITTING YOURSELF, DOUGIE!”

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So what is Labour’s election strategy, other than not doing the thing they know they can’t do as well as the other lot?  Well, Dougie has one, don’t you worry.

He wants to chat.  Like, a lot.  Four million times to be precise, in what’s been billed as the biggest door-stopping campaign since Danny Baker ding-donged doorbells from Dorchester to Dumfries for Daz demonstrations.  This time, the soap box will take an even more prominent role, as Miliband told party activists that, with their help, he’ll be “making our case, explaining our vision, house by house, street by street, town by town”.

Although this has the makings of a zombie horror spoof, at first glance Dougie’s plan looks foolproof: if you can’t get your policies across in the press, cut out the middle man and head straight for the voter.

But voters can be equally cloth-eared, especially when some berk in a Saville Row suit interrupts their day to discuss political theory.  To misquote Tarantino’s Jules Winnfield, they’ve got to be a charming mother****ing politician to persuade me to endorse them while my kids are fighting in the lounge, the pasta’s boiling dry on the hob and a Lego brick’s just punctured the ball of my foot.

And here’s the other thing, Dougie: just because the Shadow Cabinet colleagues you meet once a week are the only people who’ll talk to you without taking your lunch money, it doesn’t mean they’re nice or normal.  In Ed Balls’ case (and I presume, by extension, Ms Cooper’s), they’re neither.

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So it’s a gamble, Dougie.  And for your gamble to have any chance of paying off, you need to brush up and screen test the twerps around your table an awful more than you’re doing at the moment, because those people behind those doors might actually ask your MPs some questions.

Like yesterday, for example, when your esteemed leader was invited along to a gentle Q&A event for Sky News and Facebook, and was asked by a normal punter what experience he had outside of politics to show that he could represent the British people.

Ed Miliband

Here was Ed’s chance: an open goal.  “Well, I had a pretty gruelling paper round for the Morning Star … um, Daily Star,” he could have said.  “And then I had to save up for university, so I became a brickie by day and, by night, a go-go dancer at an underground rave venue.  Having to juggle two jobs, not to mention all the glow sticks, means I understand the struggles faced by ordinary men and women up and down the country.”

Or, if he didn’t do those things, he could have been upfront about it.  Instead, Edward Samuel Miliband trusted his instincts to freestyle his way into the affections of a nation.  Despite an uncertain start (“I’ve done a number of things which I think, I hope, are relevant to this“), he knocked this one out of the park by connecting with every working man and woman who’s worked as an economic adviser to the Treasury and taught government and economics at Harvard.

His Ronny Rosenthal moment could only have been more embarrassing if Paxman been there to pull his big, rubbery horse-face of mock incredulity (©Malcolm Tucker) and repeat the question until Miliband combusted.

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So then, Dougie: time to earn your money.  If you don’t, it’s very hard to imagine that the turkeys will be the ones gobbling on Christmas Day.

A Little Less Conversation

Oh, God.  It’s already started.  The 7th of May 2015 is over three months away, but it’s already started.

In an effort to stay informed about what’s occurring on this daft little ball of land, water and reality TV, I rely on a number of respectable news sources.  And then, when I’m feeling bored, I click on the most-visited English language “newspaper” website in the world, the MailOnline.

Before the page finishes loading, I set my neuroreceptor filter to “wry” to reduce the chance of being tricked into caring about its insultingly simplistic, hypocritical and inaccurate portrayal of modern life.  And normally the wry filter does the trick.  But I think it’s going to be different this year.  Because it’s already started.

“It”, in this context, is electioneering – a conversation that, in many ways, never stops.  The Right constantly bashes the Left with its jewel-tipped cane and the Left responds with anything it can grab hold of, be it a pint glass, crowbar or Little Red Book (in hardback of course).  The sensible souls in the middle alternate between dodging the swinging cudgels and using Right or Left as a human shield against the other.

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It was ever thus and there’s nothing to gain from preventing different viewpoints across the political spectrum from being vented.  Provided that the right people, that is politicians and the public, are doing the venting.

Unless you live under a rock, you’ll know that the MailOnline and its parents (the Daily Mail and The Mail on Sunday) lean to the Right.  There’s nothing wrong with that; there’s also nothing wrong with biased journalism.  Every news reporter has Limb Length Discrepancy of one form or another and witnesses events from a certain personal or paymaster-mandated stance.  That’s why the wry filter works most of the time.  It allows broadly intelligent folk to see beyond attention-grabbing headlines and over the top of lenses through which the writer views the facts.  It’s basic source analysis that kids are taught on day one of their GCSE History curriculum.

Problems arise when newspapers go a step further: when they stop reporting on the news and begin to make it up, crossing the line between informing readers of their take on an event and just filling eyes and brains with unadulterated prejudice.  News agencies often overstep this line, sometimes with little fallout.  But in an election year, it’s especially troubling when the tail (or the Mail) begins to wag the dog.

Take yesterday, when the MailOnline published a “news item” under the morosely uninspired headline, “Is that you in Plasticine, Mr Miliband? New Shaun the Sheep character bears uncanny resemblance to Red Ed”.  Reading on, the “story” concerned a trailer lasting 2 minutes, 27 seconds for the latest children’s film to trot out of the Aardman Animations stable.  The trailer features, for less than one hundredth of its duration, an unamused waiter who, journalist Sian Boyle claims, “bears an uncanny resemblance” to the Labour leader.  Ha ha!  He does a little, if you sort of squint and ignore the dramatic differences between their hairstyles, face shapes and skin colour.  Wicked!  You’re great, Sian!

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Even if we were to accept Sian’s assertion that the clay creation looks like Miliband, this isn’t a news story.  It’s simply an excuse to remind the readership how odd a potential leader of our country looks and subliminally to bawl at them: IS THIS WHO YOU WANT TO REPRESENT YOU?  THIS WEIRDO?  IS IT?  YOU MAKE ME SICK, YOU COMMUNIST BASTARDS.

Of course, Miliband looks odd and is almost unrewardingly easy to laugh at, especially when undertaking herculean tasks such as eating food, ingesting fluid and, well, breathing.  But since when has looking odd been a bar to public office?

Look around Europe.  Who’s the best at securing the most beneficial outcome for their country?  Angela Merkel.  And that’s despite the fact she has the sort of build and features that would make you suspect that Germany’s been led by a helmut for 34 of the last 41 years.  Looking inwards, this country has a rich history of strange looking premiers.  So much so that Miliband probably wouldn’t even make it into the Top Ten of Ministerial Mingers.

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So why does Sian care about his looks?  Is it because she’s as shallow as a camel’s piss puddle?  Or because she was put up to it by her overlords?  Or, as seems most likely, both?

A quick google suggests that Sian (who continues to spell her name with a circumflex, despite the casual disregard shown to such archaic niceties by email addresses, twitter handles and this blog) had the good fortune of avoiding the ugly stick which beat poor Ed (but spared his brother), unless she’s just better at troweling on the Clarins.  Either way, with or without any slap, she’ll never be accused of falling out of a Play-Doh pot.

But less charitable people could mistake her for having stumbled off the set of a production even less sophisticated than an animated sheep guiding his flock away from the Big City with hilarious consequences: TOWIE.  Shame on you, uncharitable people.  However, Sian would do well in the Land of the Vajazzle if we trust the veracity of the article she had published in the Independent last year, entitled “Cameron Diaz is wrong about pubic hair. The bush is not back”.  With the following opening (if you’ll excuse this clumsy term), it’s no wonder the MailOnline snapped her up to write about politics: “DON’T ELECTROCUTE MY CLIT!”, I screamed as I writhed on the table.  I wrenched off my goggles, panting, before the bemused beautician lowered the Intense Pulsed Light laser gun.  “Don’t worry, it will be fine”, she said, before duly zapping away at my crotch.”  Insightful stuff, I take it all back.  Until I get to this line: “It’s a cruel analogy, but the staunch defence of hairy fannies reminds me of very overweight over-eaters who say they’re “happy as they are”.”  Just wow.

And what would lead us to suspect that Sian was encouraged by her bosses to lampoon a man who may be uglier and less likeable than a flatulent Chinese Crested dog, but who has more intellect in his little toe than Sian has in three generations of her family?  Well, who can forget Geoffrey Levy’s charmingly tasteful article published on the MailOnline on 27 September 2013, headed “The man who hated Britain: Red Ed’s pledge to bring back socialism is a homage to his Marxist father.  So what did Miliband Snr really believe in?  The answer should disturb everyone who loves this country” and the somewhat unapologetic editorial that followed.  Or this hyperbolic headline to Matt Chorley’s piece published on 12 November last year: “Miliband is the least popular leader EVER: Devastating poll reveals just 13% think he is ready to be PM as Tories build 3-point lead“.  Circumstantial evidence, I agree.

A bit like the pubic hair Sian detests so much, I’m straying from the point.  The point is that organisations such as the MailOnline have a huge amount of power at their disposal and must wield it responsibly.  If they keep crossing the line between reporting and creating news, they can quickly manipulate swathes of the electorate into thinking about things that shouldn’t matter.

In any General Election, we should focus on one question: who’s the best person and party to lead our country?  Yet it’s a sad fact that on the 7th of May, many voters will shuffle along to their polling stations and vote according to familial or class-based influences, or simply because they’ve seen countless occasions where David Cameron photographs better than that funny looking one who likes cheese and crackers.  And that isn’t the sign of a healthy society.

For example, I consider myself reasonably informed on politics, but could I honestly tell you in any detail what Miliband stands for, other than the buzzwords routed into my ear canals by the mainstream media: NHS, mansion tax, public services?  Do I know how my life would be directly affected by a Labour-led government?  Do I know Miliband’s views on foreign policy?  Or his relationships with the international leaders and businesses on which we now depend?  No, not really.   But I do know that his black-suited bodyguards will twitch every time the man picks up a sandwich.  I rely on the newspapers to fill in the blanks for me but they rarely do.

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So something’s clearly going wrong.  Over the past decade, there’s been no shortage of navel-gazing over in Westminster about why people are so disillusioned with their elected representatives.  “Ah,” they say, “it’s because of the Iraq War!  No, it’s tuition fees!  Expenses!  Launch an inquiry!  And another!  That’ll make the plebs happy!

Well, yes, momentarily.  Until the inquiry takes several years, we move on to raging about something else and forget why we were so angry about the issue in the first place.  Then what do we do?  We comfort ourselves with the thought that it’s just stupid old British politics and go back to our box-set tales of cover-ups and political manoeuvrings somewhere more glamorous.  Oh, but the people in those programmes are so much more watchable.  And wasn’t she in Forest Gump?

But the constant clamour for inquiries misses the point because here’s the crux: British people aren’t really disillusioned by what politicians do.  They’re disillusioned by what they think politicians do.  The average person doesn’t get to hear the good things MPs do day-to-day, how hard they work, how much they’d earn in industry if they were less concerned with creating a better country for everyone to live in.

Instead, he or she reads lurid headlines and watches teary statements read outside family homes when one’s caught doing something he (and it’s usually a he) shouldn’t.  They get no sense of what these people are or what they’re about.  Instead, the public’s left with a budget version of Take Me Out for ugly people hosted by Huw Edwards.  Is it any surprise they no likey?

What’s the answer?  There must be a way of shedding some lighty on the real meat of politics.  It won’t start on the MailOnline, even if we want it to.  The reason it succeeds is that it couldn’t care less whether we like what we read.  All that matters is that the MailOnline’s lovers and haters click on it every day (for that reason, I’ve avoided hyperlinking any of the articles referred to above).

No, the revolution needs to come from the very top.  Somehow, the party leaders need to realise the nation hates all of them, just some a little less than others.  When that penny drops, these smart people should think collaboratively how to get better publicity for the political classes.  Start by giving credit where credit’s due, recognise successes, end the knee-jerk trash talk.  It shouldn’t take a war or commemoration service for people who supposedly want the same thing (i.e. the country to succeed) to stand shoulder to shoulder.

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It’s radical, but it can only help.  Something has to change because , in the words of Elvis, “all this aggravation ain’t satisfactioning” anyone.  There needs to be a little less conversation, a little more action, please.

The revolt could begin right now by cutting out the expensive American-style posters attacking each other in a way that would embarrass a teenager and make politicians of yesteryear spin in their graves.  But it won’t happen.  The Conservatives have fired the starting pistol with a series of crudely photoshopped efforts to convince would-be UKIP voters they risk handing the keys to Number 10 over to Red Ed, Tartan Alec and Balaclava-ed Gerry.  Labour will inevitably respond, portraying Cameron as a member of the smug landed gentry, running around quaffing “sticky” in NHS waiting rooms while Gideon Osborne sits next to him absentmindedly tearing the heads off fox cubs.

If all this doesn’t stop, where are we headed?  In May, low voter turnout.  Before then, the Tories responding with a poster of Miliband’s weird head crowning out of a middle-aged woman as several doctors look worried, mouthing: “OLD LABOUR: OLD DANGER”?  And what then?  A Labour parry-riposte showing Sam Cam’s head stuck onto a porn star’s body while she fellates CEOs of various corporations and informs the viewer that “DAVID LETS BIG BUSINESS TAKE WHATEVER IT WANTS”?

Stop.  We’re just giving them ideas.